IT'S OFFICIAL I'M CRAZY!

"You won’t let anyone Love you." So he said.

It’s my first semester in college and I had planned on being tunnel vision all the way to medical school, he came up on my blind side as just this dark skin tall clean cut brother, SMH then he hit me. He hit me so hard I'm still in shock. I planned on keeping my last name after the Dr. I strive for but now I feel like

I'm fighting for it and my heart. 

My heart is stuck to him and my brain is panicking searching for an escape. 

O'tay let me be clear, I feel like I'm ranting.

We met in our calculus class; we both sat in the front row on opposite ends of the class, this is when I first saw him. He would walk into the lab to study at times when I was there and all I could do is stare. After a bout of month and a half of me staring at my Songz (trey-songz that is) he finally spoke to me.

This is when I found out our dreams, goals, ambitions, visions of success, whatever you want to call it were pretty much the same....we we're ONE ever since day ONE.

"This is my first semester here, I'm a biology major and I transferred with my associates", he says. "Me too", I said. From that point on we became study friends, or at least that's what my brain called it.

Of course my heart didn’t get the memo and the romantic side of me took over. I started to fall for him heavily and now I’m so deep in I want to get out. My feelings for him weigh so heavily I’m suffocating, but I can’t imagine a day without him. He kisses me and my heart drops....he looks at me and my heart races....he touches me and I just about die! So why don’t I want this, why am I not happy, why do I keep searching for a way out and away from him.

BECAUSE HAVING HIM AND LETTING HIM GO IS A LOT LESS PAINFUL THAN LOOSING HIM OR REALIZING HE WASN'T REAL.....

My heart is so set on loving him...yup I’ve been avoiding the word the entire passage but I can’t anymore, so like I said, my heart is set on LOVING him. I want nothing more than to adore his every cell, I’ve got it so bad I don’t get a decent nights rest unless he’s there. So on the surface, I found this (seemingly) perfect guy, he's kind, loving, (as) honest (as they get), and most importantly God fearing.

The time we share together is priceless; we chose (his initial idea) not to have sex to focus on getting to know each other more but a part of me can't help but want to haul ass in another direction! 

 

Let me just say! It’s true! You go through so many butt-holes for men, when you finally get a good one you don't know how to act!

I've come to the simple conclusion I'M CRAZY. #caseclose

It's true, I can't trust anyone enough to allow them to love or get close to me so everyday becomes a constant battle with my thoughts. I come up with the most elaborate schemes to make him out to be a bad guy but he's not (at least I think so) and no matter how hard I try to convince myself the truth of it is there's no way (unless he has the ability to be in two places at once) that he could be with another girl. We sleep together at night, we have the same classes and we eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together. That seems convincing enough but for whatever reason my brain isn't buying it.

So, what now????

Honestly I don’t know; I just plan on praying heavily about it because the one person I do trust fully with my heart is my LORD.